


and now i'm one step closer to being two steps far from you

by rebellamy



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: Childhood Friends, F/M, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-05-16 01:48:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5808619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebellamy/pseuds/rebellamy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair loved shiny things, but Chuck was tarnished.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and now i'm one step closer to being two steps far from you

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this several months ago because I started headcanoning that Chuck might have always had feelings for Blair that he didn't really understand and I thought about how afraid he would have been to feel that for someone. It hurt me a lot but it had to be written, what can I say?

The first time he sees her, he’s six. It’s their first day of kindergarten and he’s wearing a suit. He feels like a bit of an outcast but his father had assured him that this was appropriate. His bowtie is purple, just like the headband that sits on top of her chestnut curls.

 

His father had been telling him that women were overrated since he could remember; that showing affection would only make you weak. So he ignored the tiny flips his stomach would turn when she glanced his way.

 

She sat in the middle of the front row, always raising her hand and never missing a question. Blair Waldorf was nothing if not studious, he had thought.  

 

But it’s later at lunchtime when the real Blair comes out to play. She’s got a girl on either side of her, both of whom look overwhelmingly intimidated by the small brunette. He wonders what she’d had to say to them. Soon enough the pair of them, and eventually several others, were at her beck and call, and did absolutely anything she asked of them. He assumed that was how she kept her reputation as teacher’s pet so flawless. She could almost do anything she wanted without repercussions.

 

He makes good friends with a boy called Nate that same year, and not really anyone else. Nate talks about Blair, who he learns Nate has known practically since the two of them were in diapers, and Chuck listens. He listens to Nate talk about this girl, and all her favorite things. How she loves Audrey Hepburn, macaroons, and Prada. He listens to him talk about how annoying she could be, when she bossed him around. But Chuck thought it was remarkable, how she never took crap from anyone. Anyone save Nate Archibald, that is.

 

The dynamic between Blair and her new best friend Serena Van der Woodsen was certainly an interesting one. They worked well together, and he could tell that it was built to be an iron clad alliance from the start. It was woven together as tightly as the matching sets of braided pigtails they would wear to school together some days.

 

By the end of kindergarten, they had all four forged a bond. And he was glad to call them his friends. He’d never really had any before, other than the staff at The Palace, if they even counted as friends.

 

By the time their in third grade, he realizes he thinks she’s beautiful. But not in the way Nate thought she was. Blair dressed in such a fashion that aimed to please, she kept herself neat and tidy so she could maintain a position of power among her peers. He understood this, because he practiced similar behavior, but only because his father told him it was necessary. It was different for Blair, like she’d always had a sort of elegance about her, and she personally chose to reflect this trait in the clothes she wore to school. But it was more than that to Chuck. She was beautiful all by herself, but nobody else really seemed to pay attention to how pretty she looked when she smiled. That was all him.

 

He notices all the small things about her over the years, and tucks them away for later. Little tiny things not even Serena noticed about her best friend. That her eyes didn’t quite match up with her mouth when she lied, and that she only wore berets when she felt like being sneaky. Even all the things about her that seemed to get under everyone else’s skin, made her all the more intriguing to him.  

 

It’s in the fifth grade that their friendship really starts to grow. It scares him, because every time she smiles at him he feels guilty. He feels like he’s betraying his best friend, and his father’s wishes for him to keep on the straight and narrow away from distractions. Even though he knew no matter how much of a good boy he tried to be, he’d never escape Bart’s distant shadow. Seeing Blair giggle at his antics took that feeling away for just a little while.

 

They dragged one another into scheme after scheme, pulling harmless pranks on the teacher and their friends. He enjoyed the thrill, but he enjoyed watching Blair in her element even more. It was in sixth grade that he realized he was probably enjoying it a little too much, and that he needed distance himself. He didn’t want to hurt his best friend, no matter how devious he was at heart.

 

So, Georgina Sparks came along, and it was quick, easy and painless. He didn’t really care about her, not like he did Blair. But it was enough of a brief distraction to keep himself from getting sucked into something he wasn’t ready for. Something he wasn’t sure he would ever be ready for.

 

Because when he thought about it, why would someone like Blair Waldorf want anything to do with Chuck Bass? He paid close attention, and if there was one thing he gathered over the years, it was that Blair loved things that were shiny and new. Much like her charming boyfriend Nate Archibald, and her spoiled princess of a best friend Serena Van der Woodsen. Chuck was a pastime, someone she could use to express her darker side. That’s what he was to her, he felt like. A game. A dark, twisted, game.

 

Blair loved shiny things, but Chuck was tarnished.

 

He carried this thought around in his pocket all through middle school, watching her relationship with Nate grow and flourish. He’d listen intently every time the other boy had something adoring to say about Blair, and he’d try his damndest to lessen the jealous thumping in his chest when he saw them together. More distance, more meaningless flings. He couldn’t sit there wanting something he couldn’t have. Besides, he was a Bass, he didn’t go after someone else’s bait

 

He knew Blair was getting bored without their games. He worried for her, when Serena’s shadow started getting bigger and darker and harder to escape. Everything was handed to her, while everyone else did the hard work and still struggled to get by. Serena was everyone’s best friend, the teacher’s pet in every class; everything Blair wanted to be and more. She never said it bothered her, but Chuck knew her all too well. He didn’t even think Nate noticed.

 

She deserved better. Not that he thought ill of his best friend, but he wasn’t the guy for B. She deserved someone who challenged her and complimented her personality all at once. Someone with whom she could never feel boring. For a while Chuck wished he could be that guy, but he knew that he couldn’t. She’d tear him apart, and he her. He cared about her far too much, and that was just not something Chuck Bass understood how to do. He never had anyone care about him, so how could he understand? He couldn’t like her, he didn’t know how.

 

High school was worse. After the Sheppard wedding freshman year, when Serena and Nate had their “secret” affair, and S left for boarding school, he really wanted to be the friend that Blair needed, even if nobody else knew that she knew about her best friend and her boyfriend, he could read her like a book. But he couldn’t be there for her if he tried. He’d tossed himself so far off the deep end that she didn’t take his concern seriously anymore. Like it was just another game to him.

 

He tried not to feel relieved when she told him things with Nate had kind of ended a few  months after Serena’s return, and she followed him to Victrola to have a drink and escape. He tried not to pride himself in the fact that he was the one she’d turned too, but it felt a little too good to be true. Particularly when she strutted onto the stage in the face of a challenge.

 

It was if his feelings for her had come full circle. And when she climbed into the back of his limo with him it felt an awful lot like he was home. She looked at him a little differently then. It was the way she looked when she was determined to have her way, to get something she admired. And she was looking at _him_ , and his heart was beating so fast he could barely hear his mind telling him to back away from her now before it was too late.

 

When their lips touched he knew he couldn't turn back. He’d deprived himself of his greatest desire for too long to let opportunity slip away. Even if it was just for one night. He figured it might be enough to get her out of his head. Maybe he’d been going about it the wrong way. Maybe trying to forget about how he’d always felt about her could simply never work because she was truly unforgettable.

 

Maybe he could never have her heart, but they did have tonight, and he wasn’t going to let the little time they did have go to waste.  

 

It wasn’t until after, when she rested her head on his chest and held his hand in hers that he realized just how wrong he’d been. He couldn’t erase how he felt before, and he certainly couldn’t now. But he would have to. When they got back to her place he would have to let her go and watch her walk away, because all they had was tonight.

 

He savored every kiss and every touch, the feeling of her skin on his was permanently seared in his mind. He knew that no matter how hard he would try, he couldn’t forget their night in his limo. He couldn’t extinguish the smell of her perfume, or wipe off the taste of her lipgloss. Part of him didn’t want to, but the bigger part of him knew he must.

 

He realized he loved her when the car stopped. And it was the most terrifying thing he could ever feel. He’d never loved anything before her. Loving her gave her all the power in the world over him. And he’d always feared being weak, like his father always told him he would turn out to be. Part of him wouldn’t mind being weak if it meant he could have her.

 

But if he ever told her how he felt, she would have his heart in her hands. It was made of the most brittle kind of glass and Blair loved recklessly. If she broke it he would have nothing left. There was no Chuck Bass without Blair Waldorf, and he would always be too afraid to lose her. Love was a dangerous feeling and he was afraid. He would ruin himself for her, and he couldn’t let that happen.

 

So for now, he left it for tonight. He could push those feelings down and kill the butterflies in his stomach because he knew that’s what she would want. He wanted her to be happy, and he wasn’t sure he would ever really be able to give that to her.

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you guys enjoyed this! Just a little something. Comments and Kudos are highly appreciated!


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